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Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sex, Oops, Single, Oops, Double, Oops, Queens, Oops, Kings bed and I
I like sex, period. Don't get me wrong. I do.
Oops, scary memories. Evoked by my only mistake in life, when I uttered those two most hated words in the entire world of (English) speaking world.
"I DO."
I don't, would be an ideal retooled, refooled, remodeled, refurbished, Oops, re-calibrated, re-aligned, re-dedicated, re-armed and recalcitrant, Oops, reneged from time to time, especially, in hard time at "Bed Rock." Oops, Bed of (fantasy roses).
"I don't." Additional accessories at additional, extra-strong cost. Shipping, handling, postage, second day delivery, nine moth delivery, premature delivery and any other method of deliverance. (Batteries not included)
"Not now,.
Not tomorrow.
Not a day after, vigorous, vicious, vagabond sexual encounter, behind the counter of McDonalds.
Never ever, Oops, evver-evvver and one day.
Who ever said that sex is a glue that binds. Keeps binding like a Crazy Glue?
To prove a point after a nasty argument—kitchen cabinets were again left open, words were exchanged—my husband sketched a graph plotting the recent state of our marriage. His point was that we were having more bad days than good, and that something was needed to remedy this. But his chart got me thinking: maybe I was actually looking at the remedy. Maybe the solution to our marital strife wasn’t to be found on the therapist’s couch, but in the hard language of empirical data.
As a business-news editor, I was already mired in news about housing bubbles, market noise, and incentives—which, oddly, seemed to have parallels at home. My relationship bubble had burst not long after I said “I do.” Were we insufficiently compatible—or just reacting to screwed-up incentives?
I realize this might sound nuts to some people. But I was convinced I was onto something, that the principles of economics—often fact-based and always pragmatic—could reveal the route to wedded bliss (or, in econ-speak, “utility”). So I picked up the phone and cold-called Gary Becker. This also might sound nuts. Gary Becker is one of the world’s most famous living economists. He’s won the Nobel Prize and the Presidential Medal of Freedom. But could he give relationship advice?
Indeed he could. He’s written a ton on the economics of the family and thinks about it in his own marriage. It’s why his wife does more of the housework, he said. Since his time, on a monetary scale, is more valuable than hers, he spends more of it working in his office and less in the kitchen. Lucky him.
Nearly four years later, I’ve had similar conversations with hundreds of economists, psychologists, and regular married folks in a journey that eventually became a book called Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes, written with my friend and fellow business journalist Jenny Anderson. This research, combined with experimenting on my own husband, has led me to recommend a few core principles for anyone looking to fix their marriage.
One key area is incentives, the things that motivate people. Mortgage deductions spur home purchases; salaries entice people to work. My husband’s incentive to close cabinets—avoid nagging—wasn’t exactly “perverse,” but it was backfiring. Turns out, there are better incentives. One is trust, which economists have found can be surprisingly motivating. In one example, people were more likely to donate blood if they weren’t paid than if they were. Who knew?
So I tried having a little faith in my guy. I stopped nagging. And one day I came home to find CLOSE ME signs taped inside our cabinets as reminders to himself.
Another lesson: 50/50 isn’t the best way to divide housework. We want an egalitarian marriage (and anything else would betray the feminist principles my mother taught me). But Adam Smith famously noted that efficiency is maximized when workers specialize. Today, I gladly pay all the bills, and my husband—mostly gladly—does all the sweeping and mopping.
The concept that’s had the most profound impact is loss aversion. Behavioral economists have shown that we hate to lose twice as much as we love to win, and when we sense we’re losing, we get irrational. Loss aversion has been partly blamed for Lehman Brothers’ failure to admit its losses early enough to save the company.
I’m vehemently averse to losing. But now I try to be aware of when I cross into loss-aversion mode during disagreements. Then I call a time-out. Sometimes that means going against the advice everyone gave me before I got married: never go to bed angry.
For what it’s worth, going to bed angry is a miracle cure. I stop escalating, get some sleep, and wake up with a clearer head. Nine times out of 10, the dispute gets resolved that morning. It’s called maximizing utility—or, in my house, living happily ever after.
Spousonomics: How Economics Can Help Figure Out Your Marriage
The more it costs to have sex, the less sex you have, say Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson. Three lessons in how to make every year the Year of the Rabbit.
The more it costs to have sex, the less sex you have, say Paula Szuchman and Jenny Anderson. From their new book, Spousonomics, three lessons in how to make every year the Year of the Rabbit.
Here’s some standard advice about improving your sex life:
• Have more foreplay.
• Talk about it.
• Keep a journal of your feelings re: sex.
• Introduce role play/massage/scented candles.
• Go on a romantic vacation.
• Rekindle the mystery.
Here’s our advice:
• Make it affordable.
Wha?
Getty Images
Let's explain. All that stuff about foreplay and romance? That stuff takes time and energy. And if it’s one thing today’s couples don’t have in excess it’s time and energy. We just wrote a book about this very topic. It’s called Spousonomics, and it looks at ways economics can help people improve their relationships. Economics is all about the allocation of scarce resources, and the key to a happy marriage is, in many ways, finding smart ways to allocate your own scarce resources—the hours in your day, money in your bank, your sex drive, your patience, or the sheer willpower it takes for you to stay awake a minute past 10 p.m. No surprise that the No.1 reason married couples say they don’t have sex, according to our research: They’re too tired.
So we ask you: How is ADDING foreplay to the situation going to incentivize already-exhausted couples to get busy? Just imagine the inner monologue: “Drink another glass of wine, watch the end of CSI, and curl up in bed…or down a Red Bull, light 18 orange-blossom candles, and break out the head tickler?” Not really a tough decision.
This is where affordability comes into play. As any economist will tell you, demand tends to go up when costs go down—not up. That’s why stores put things on sale, gyms offer a free month at sign-up, and Ford pushes zero-interest car loans.
So that’s it—the secret to good sex after marriage: low costs, high transparency. Who said economics was dismal?
Take a look at this:
This is a negative sloping demand curve. It shows that when the cost of something rises, we want less of it. When sex becomes exorbitantly expensive, we’re practically celibate. That’s the unfortunate situation Couple X finds themselves in. They’re the kind of people who keep feelings journals and think sex needs to be as hot as it was when they first met and involve at least one foot massage. And because of this, they can’t ever seem to find the time to do it.
But when sex is dirt cheap, we’re much more likely to go at it like rabbits. Couple O has been together for 15 years and has a great sex life. They keep it affordable. If they’re tired, they make it quick. Maybe they don’t even bother to take their shirts off. When one of them is in the mood, they say so.
Which brings us to a second principle of economics that applies to the bedroom: transparency. Transparency is what keeps the wheels of the free market—and, coincidentally, your sex life—greased. Couple O doesn’t make each other guess, because guessing takes time, and is often stressful (“Should I or shouldn’t I? If she’s not up for it, I’m going to be bummed and wonder if it’s because she’s not attracted to me. What if she’s not attracted to me? Oh Jesus. Forget it”). Bottom line: Guessing is costly.
Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes By Paul Szuchman and Jenny Anderson 352 pages. Random House. $26.
We interviewed hundreds of couples in our research and surveyed more than a thousand. By and large, those who said they had a great sex life had a few common traits: 1. They were attracted to each other, 2. They were flexible, and 3. They kept their costs down.
When we asked these people how they communicated when they were in the mood, they said things like:
• “I usually put a condom on. That seems to give her the idea I want a little more than good conversation.”
• “One of us says, ‘Let’s take a nap!’”
• “He’ll say, ‘Is it Special Time?’”
• “‘Wanna do it?’ usually gets the message across.”
• “I don’t say anything, I just come back to bed.”
• “It’s Saturday. How about some Shabbos sex?”
Rabbits, every single one of them. Transparent rabbits.
Now for your third and final economics lesson: the theory of rational addiction.
The gist of rational addiction is that we get addicted to things—alcohol, gambling, porn, crystal meth, cigarettes, loser boyfriends—by doing them over and over again, and we stay addicted to them because we feel the benefits outweigh the costs. So a heroin addict knows heroin is habit-forming and deadly, but has decided he’d still rather be high and addicted than not high and not addicted. For him, being an addict is a “rational” decision in the sense that he has considered the long- and short-term costs and benefits. According to the theory, the same applies to what might be considered “good” addictions, like working hard, or listening to music, or eating healthy food, or loving one person every day, for the rest of your life.
Or having sex. We're not talking the 12-step kind of sex addiction. But the rational addiction that comes with repeated use. Become a rabbit (by first lowering your costs) and you’re upping the odds that you’ll stay a rabbit (by getting into the habit).
That’s essentially how it worked for a couple we’ll call Heidi and Jack.
After a few years of marriage, their sex life had become mediocre. Not even mediocre. It was actually very lame. But neither of them seemed inclined to fix it. Apathy was easier. Until one night when they had friends over for dinner and the conversation turned to sex.
One of the women said she’d read somewhere that the national average for married couples was twice a week. Suddenly, everyone was comparing notes. For some it really was twice a week, for others, once.
Jack couldn’t remember the last time he and Heidi had had sex. They looked at each other and shared a very uncomfortable moment. It took some therapy for them to finally admit the problem: They never told each other what they were into.
Let's repeat that: They never told each other what they were into.
That may sound surprising for two people who are married, share a bathroom, a bank account, and a baby, but it’s a fact (and actually, not an uncommon scenario). At any rate, this state of affairs made sex not very exciting. Which wasn’t an incentive to do it very often. When Heidi and Jack finally started being transparent—for example, she liked porn, he liked lingerie, two reasonable affinities neither of them had ever bothered to share—things started heating up.
So that’s it—the secret to good sex after marriage: low costs, high transparency. Who said economics was dismal? Plus:Check out Book Beast for more news on hot titles and authors and excerpts from the latest books. Paula Szuchman is a business-news journalist whose work has appeared in the Wall Street Journal, Travel + Leisure, Cosmopolitan, Forbes, Wallpaper, and others. Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage and Dirty Dishes is her first book. Jenny Anderson is a reporter at The New York Times where she currently covers education. Prior to that she covered business and finance at the Times and various other publications, including Institutional Investor magazine and the New York Post. Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage and Dirty Dishes is her first book.
Oops, scary memories. Evoked by my only mistake in life, when I uttered those two most hated words in the entire world of (English) speaking world.
"I DO."
I don't, would be an ideal retooled, refooled, remodeled, refurbished, Oops, re-calibrated, re-aligned, re-dedicated, re-armed and recalcitrant, Oops, reneged from time to time, especially, in hard time at "Bed Rock." Oops, Bed of (fantasy roses).
"I don't." Additional accessories at additional, extra-strong cost. Shipping, handling, postage, second day delivery, nine moth delivery, premature delivery and any other method of deliverance. (Batteries not included)
"Not now,.
Not tomorrow.
Not a day after, vigorous, vicious, vagabond sexual encounter, behind the counter of McDonalds.
Never ever, Oops, evver-evvver and one day.
Who ever said that sex is a glue that binds. Keeps binding like a Crazy Glue?
Whether it's a mind-blowing, bed-rattling orgasm you're after or a supersensory, soulful lovemaking session, our collection of steamy illustrations and step-by-step instructions has been tweaked and tailored by sex experts to help you reach your peak every single time. Climb on top of your cutie and take control with these sizzling strategies and sex positions.
These days there’s more than one way to feed your Cosmo fix. You can get your subscription to the print magazine as you always have, or if you’d prefer to get it sent to you as a digital edition to read on your iPad, tablet, or Nook, we’ve got you covered. And, when you just can’t get enough Cosmo, we’ll give you even more—check out our Sex Position of the Day app for your iPhone or Android-enabled device. Now how’s that for a turn-on? See More
Meet Your New Best FriendCFG: Cosmo For Guys is an iPad app for men—but it’s really for you. That’s because it’ll teach your guy exactly how you
want to be touched, treated, and talked to,
in and out of bed. See More
The Kama Sutra (Sanskrit: कामसूत्र pronounciation (help·info), Kāmasūtra) is an ancient IndianHindu[1][2] text widely considered to be the standard work on human sexual behavior in Sanskrit literature written by Vātsyāyana. A portion of the work consists of practical advice on sexual intercourse.[3] It is largely in prose, with many inserted anustubh poetry verses. "Kāma" which is one of the three goals of Hindu life, means sensual or sexual pleasure, and "sūtra" literally means a thread or line that holds things together, and more metaphorically refers to an aphorism (or line, rule, formula), or a collection of such aphorisms in the form of a manual. Contrary to popular perception, especially in the western world, Kama sutra is not an exclusive sex manual; it presents itself as a guide to a virtuous and gracious living that discusses the nature of love, family life and other aspects pertaining to pleasure oriented faculties of human life.[4][5]
The Kama Sutra is the oldest and most notable of a group of texts known generically as Kama Shastra (Sanskrit: Kāma Śāstra).[6] Traditionally, the first transmission of Kama Shastra or "Discipline of Kama" is attributed to Nandi the sacred bull, Shiva's doorkeeper, who was moved to sacred utterance by overhearing the lovemaking of the god and his wife Parvati and later recorded his utterances for the benefit of mankind.[7]
Historians attribute Kamasutra to be composed between 400 BCE and 200 CE.[8]John Keay says that the Kama Sutra is a compendium that was collected into its present form in the 2nd century CE.[9]
Vatsyayana's Kama Sutra has 1250 verses, distributed in 36 chapters, which are further organized into 7 parts.[10] According to both the Burton and Doniger[11] translations, the contents of the book are structured into 7 parts like the following:
1. General remarks
Chapters on contents of the book, three aims and priorities of life, the acquisition of knowledge, conduct of the well-bred townsman, reflections on intermediaries who assist the lover in his enterprises (5 chapters).
2. Amorous advances/Sexual union
Chapters on stimulation of desire, types of embraces, caressing and kisses, marking with nails, biting and marking with teeth, on copulation (positions), slapping by hand and corresponding moaning, virile behavior in women, superior coition and oral sex, preludes and conclusions to the game of love. It describes 64 types of sexual acts (10 chapters).
Artistic depiction of a sex position. Although Kama Sutra did not originally have illustrative images, part 2 of the work describes different sex positions.
3. Acquiring a wife
Chapters on forms of marriage, relaxing the girl, obtaining the girl, managing alone, union by marriage (5 chapters).
4. Duties and privileges of the wife
Chapters on conduct of the only wife and conduct of the chief wife and other wives (2 chapters).
5. Other men's wives
Chapters on behavior of woman and man, how to get acquainted, examination of sentiments, the task of go-between, the king's pleasures, behavior in the women's quarters (6 chapters).
Chapters on advice of the assistants on the choice of lovers, looking for a steady lover, ways of making money, renewing friendship with a former lover, occasional profits, profits and losses (6 chapters).
7. Occult practices
Chapters on improving physical attractions, arousing a weakened sexual power (2 chapters)
Dharma, Artha and Kama are aims of everyday life, while Moksha is release from the cycle of death and rebirth. The Kama Sutra (Burton translation) says:
"Dharma is better than Artha, and Artha is better than Kama. But Artha should always be first practised by the king for the livelihood of men is to be obtained from it only. Again, Kama being the occupation of public women, they should prefer it to the other two, and these are exceptions to the general rule." (Kama Sutra 1.2.14)[17]
Of the first three, virtue is the highest goal, a secure life the second and pleasure the least important. When motives conflict, the higher ideal is to be followed. Thus, in making money virtue must not be compromised, but earning a living should take precedence over pleasure, but there are exceptions.
In childhood, Vātsyāyana says, a person should learn how to make a living; youth is the time for pleasure, and as years pass one should concentrate on living virtuously and hope to escape the cycle of rebirth.[18]The Kama Sutra acknowledges that the senses can be dangerous: 'Just as a horse in full gallop, blinded by the energy of his own speed, pays no attention to any post or hole or ditch on the path, so two lovers, blinded by passion, in the friction of sexual battle, are caught up in their fierce energy and pay no attention to danger'(2.7.33).
Also the Buddha preached a Kama Sutra, which is located in the Atthakavagga (sutra number 1). This Kama Sutra, however, is of a very different nature as it warns against the dangers that come with the search for pleasures of the senses.
Many in the Western world wrongly consider the Kama Sutra to be a manual for tantric sex.[citation needed] While sexual practices do exist within the very wide tradition of Hindu Tantra, the Kama Sutra is not a Tantric text, and does not touch upon any of the sexual rites associated with some forms of Tantric practice.
The most widely known English translation of the Kama Sutra was privately printed in 1883. It is usually attributed to renowned orientalist and author Sir Richard Francis Burton, but the chief work was done by the pioneering Indian archaeologist, Bhagwanlal Indraji, under the guidance of Burton's friend, the Indian civil servant Forster Fitzgerald Arbuthnot, and with the assistance of a student, Shivaram Parshuram Bhide.[19] Burton acted as publisher, while also furnishing the edition with footnotes whose tone ranges from the jocular to the scholarly. Burton says the following in its introduction:
It may be interesting to some persons to learn how it came about that Vatsyayana was first brought to light and translated into the English language. It happened thus. While translating with the pundits the 'Anunga Runga, or the stage of love', reference was frequently found to be made to one Vatsya. The sage Vatsya was of this opinion, or of that opinion. The sage Vatsya said this, and so on. Naturally questions were asked who the sage was, and the pundits replied that Vatsya was the author of the standard work on love in Sanskrit literature, that no Sanscrit library was complete without his work, and that it was most difficult now to obtain in its entire state. The copy of the manuscript obtained in Bombay was defective, and so the pundits wrote to Benares, Calcutta and Jaipur for copies of the manuscript from Sanskrit libraries in those places. Copies having been obtained, they were then compared with each other, and with the aid of a Commentary called 'Jayamanglia' a revised copy of the entire manuscript was prepared, and from this copy the English translation was made. The following is the certificate of the chief pundit:
'The accompanying manuscript is corrected by me after comparing four different copies of the work. I had the assistance of a Commentary called "Jayamangla" for correcting the portion in the first five parts, but found great difficulty in correcting the remaining portion, because, with the exception of one copy thereof which was tolerably correct, all the other copies I had were far too incorrect. However, I took that portion as correct in which the majority of the copies agreed with each other.'
In the introduction to her own translation, Wendy Doniger, professor of the history of religions at the University of Chicago, writes that Burton "managed to get a rough approximation of the text published in English in 1883, nasty bits and all". The philologist and Sanskritist Professor Chlodwig Werba, of the Institute of Indology at the University of Vienna, regards the 1883 translation as being second only in accuracy to the academic German-Latin text published by Richard Schmidt in 1897.[20]
A noteworthy translation by Indra Sinha was published in 1980. In the early 1990s its chapter on sexual positions began circulating on the internet as an independent text and today is often assumed to be the whole of the Kama Sutra.[21] Alain Daniélou contributed a noteworthy translation called The Complete Kama Sutra in 1994.[22] This translation, originally into French, and thence into English, featured the original text attributed to Vatsyayana, along with a medieval and a modern commentary. Unlike the 1883 version, Alain Daniélou's new translation preserves the numbered verse divisions of the original, and does not incorporate notes in the text. He includes English translations of two important commentaries:
The Jayamangala commentary, written in Sanskrit by Yashodhara during the Middle Ages, as page footnotes.
A modern commentary in Hindi by Devadatta Shastri, as endnotes.
Daniélou[23] translated all Sanskrit words into English (but uses the word "brahmin"). He leaves references to the sexual organs as in the original: persistent usage of the words "lingam" and "yoni" to refer to them in older translations of the Kama Sutra is not the usage in the original Sanskrit; he argues that "to a modern Hindu "lingam" and "yoni" mean specifically the sexual organs of the god Shiva and his wife, and using those words to refer to humans' sexual organs would seem irreligious." The view that lingam means only "sexual organs" is disputed by academics like S.N.Balagangadhara.[24]
An English translation by Wendy Doniger and Sudhir Kakar, an Indian psychoanalyst and senior fellow at Center for Study of World Religions at Harvard University, was published by Oxford University Press in 2002. Doniger contributed the Sanskrit expertise while Kakar provided a psychoanalytic interpretation of the text.[25]
^ Doniger, Wendy (2003). Kamasutra - Oxford World's Classics. Oxford University Press. p. i. ISBN9780192839824. "The Kamasutra is the oldest extant Hindu textbook of erotic love. It was composed in Sanskrit, the literary language of ancient India, probably in North India and probably sometime in the third century"
^Common misconceptions about Kama Sutra. "The Kama Sutra is neither exclusively a sex manual nor, as also commonly used art, a sacred or religious work. It is certainly not a tantric text. In opening with a discussion of the three aims of ancient Hindu life – dharma, artha and kama – Vatsyayana's purpose is to set kama, or enjoyment of the senses, in context. Thus dharma or virtuous living is the highest aim, artha, the amassing of wealth is next, and kama is the least of three." —Indra Sinha.
^ For Kama Sutra as the most notable of the kāma śhāstra literature see: Flood (1996), p. 65.
^ For Nandi reporting the utterance see: p. 3. Daniélou, Alain. The Complete Kama Sutra: The First Unabridged Modern Translation of the Classic Indian Text. Inner Traditions: 1993. ISBN 0-89281-525-6.
^ For the Dharma Śāstras as discussing the "four main goals of life" (dharma, artha, kāma, and moksha) see: Hopkins, p. 78.
^ For dharma, artha, and kama as "brahmanic householder values" see: Flood (1996), p. 17.
^ For definition of the term पुरुष-अर्थ (puruṣa-artha) as "any of the four principal objects of human life, i.e. धर्म (dharma), अर्थ (artha), काम (kāma), and मोक्ष (mokṣa)" see: Apte, p. 626, middle column, compound #1.
^ For kāma as one of the four goals of life (kāmārtha) see: Flood (1996), p. 65.
^ For definition of kāma as "erotic and aesthetic pleasure" see: Flood (1996), p. 17.
^ Quotation from the translation by Richard Burton taken from [1]. Text accessed 3 April 2007.
^ Book I, Chapter ii, Lines 2-4 Vatsyayana Kamasutram Electronic Sanskrit edition: Titus Texts, University of Frankfurt bālye vidyāgrahaṇādīn arthān, kāmaṃ ca yauvane, sthāvire dharmaṃ mokṣaṃ ca
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Meet Your New Best FriendCFG: Cosmo For Guys is an iPad app for men—but it’s really for you. That’s because it’ll teach your guy exactly how you 
The Kama Sutra (Sanskrit: कामसूत्र 
pronounciation (help·info), Kāmasūtra) is an ancient Indian Hindu[1][2] text widely considered to be the standard work on human sexual behavior in Sanskrit literature written by Vātsyāyana. A portion of the work consists of practical advice on sexual intercourse.[3] It is largely in prose, with many inserted anustubh poetry verses. "Kāma" which is one of the three goals of Hindu life, means sensual or sexual pleasure, and "sūtra" literally means a thread or line that holds things together, and more metaphorically refers to an aphorism (or line, rule, formula), or a collection of such aphorisms in the form of a manual. Contrary to popular perception, especially in the western world, Kama sutra is not an exclusive sex manual; it presents itself as a guide to a virtuous and gracious living that discusses the nature of love, family life and other aspects pertaining to pleasure oriented faculties of human life.[4][5]
Some Indian philosophies follow the "four main goals of life",[12][13] known as the purusharthas:[14]
Learn a new passion pose for every day of the month!
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Artistic depiction of a sex position. Although Kama Sutra did not originally have illustrative images, part 2 of the work describes different sex positions.
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Oops, scary memories. Evoked by my only mistake in life, when I uttered those two most hated words in the entire world of (English) speaking world.
"I DO."
I don't, would be an ideal retooled, refooled, remodeled, refurbished, Oops, re-calibrated, re-aligned, re-dedicated, re-armed and recalcitrant, Oops, reneged from time to time, especially, in hard time at "Bed Rock." Oops, Bed of (fantasy roses).
"I don't." Additional accessories at additional, extra-strong cost. Shipping, handling, postage, second day delivery, nine moth delivery, premature delivery and any other method of deliverance. (Batteries not included)
"Not now,.
Not tomorrow.
Not a day after, vigorous, vicious, vagabond sexual encounter, behind the counter of McDonalds.
Never ever, Oops, evver-evvver and one day.
Who ever said that sex is a glue that binds. Keeps binding like a Crazy Glue?
Not I. Try Kama Sutra.
...and I am Sid Harth@topcogitoergosum.com